the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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