For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
