My nipple is on Facebook.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
