If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
