I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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