I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
