Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
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