Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
