I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
