I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
