I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
