plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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