why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
