capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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