your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
