Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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