I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
