Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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