I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
