woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
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