Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
