She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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