After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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