I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
40s are totally the cure
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
