Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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