Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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