I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
