Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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