I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
