her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I am puke
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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