He disabled his match.com account in front of me
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
