why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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