In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
