I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
