Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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