Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
