My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
