Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
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