Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
