I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
