So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
