I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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