We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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