Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
