I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Someone shattered a urinal.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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