I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
