1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
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today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize