Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
