apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
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Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
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It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
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