So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
