I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Woke up backwards on a recliner
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize
