I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
