If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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