i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
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