i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
