for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
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